Mon 21st January, 2013 @ 6:30pm by beardvisonmedia

Dear Mr Tassi,

It had been a long stressful day because of the snow and being stuck around the M1 area, I hoped pulling off into your ASDA store would be a well-deserved small haven from a car filled with two screaming children and a wife that wouldn’t allow me to listen to Radio 5 Sports Live without having to constantly tut every 5 seconds.
We had just visited the in-laws and well it hadn’t gone to plan at all, my wife once left again with insecurities of not shifting the latest baby weight by her tactless Father and this left me all weekend without even a brush on my Jimmy Jones. The Mother-In-Law would then perform snide comments all weekend about my latest self-employed career move and is already complaining now that I have left no securities to the children. When they sadly pass, hopefully this winter, they will have to leave most of their finances to us rather than Brenda (my wife’s sister) she’s single, ten years younger and could probably use it for her own self-esteem. But my wife’s mum insists that we should so selfishly have it because I’m now a terrible provider. So despite the fact when arriving at your store I was tired, infuriated and in need of my favourite source of artificial colouring, I was shocked and appalled to notice that you do not provide a pick and mix aisle anymore. Why the sudden change? Was it what caused Little Woods and Woolworths into administration? Profits were struggling to an unbearable level because mindless humans were putting one sweet in the bag then one in their mouths. I feel you once provided a beautiful thing but like the government promised a service so spectacular then took it away without a shallow whimper. It’s like giving a small blind child his sight for a couple of days only to swipe it away with a cold dictatorial grip.
I have visited many stores all over the country; I even painted my living room with the sharp green you so wholesomely desire to represent the loyalty I have for this brand and your company. I don’t even allow my children to carry rucksacks to school only your finest eco-friendly carrier bags. Which brings the question to mind. How can I be so callous when your store can’t even provide me the culinary service that I required in my time of need? You are a big store and Tesco in Corby have now opened their very own American Sweet aisle because they know what us Scottish want. Could Robert Burns have done what he did and inspired the world without a poets touch? All I ask for is please, from the bottom of my heart at least 6 hollow plastic containers, with little flaps and tongs to grip, with fruity gum that’s going a little hard and cardboard tasting chocolate. I don’t ask for poetry, or imported sugary goods that charge import tax through the roof. I only wish your store could provide an area where I can by free hand select a diverse range of singular sweets into a little cup and greedily fill it till the lid won’t stay on for more than ten minutes. I miss the rush of having to take on the tactical operation of passing my explosive container through the cashier, beads of sweat dripping in anxious anticipation as the lid slowly creeps open like the opening of the Chilean Minors fiasco.

Mr Tassi I know you are a busy man but for the love of God, next time I arrive at your store don’t let me face the tsunami anger storm from my two children when all they were allowed was a bag of jelly tots.

P.s My wife still hasn’t lost that baby fat and she’s still not quite over the ordeal of her Father’s words. Fat girls still need love too. I still need pick and mix.

Yours Sincerely

- Le Real Veal



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