Laura Jane Williams (laurajanewilliams)

Individual

Laura Jane Williams

Derby, UK

www.laurajanewilliams.com

Description:

Blogger. Story teller. Playwright. Essayist. Journalist. Actress. Radio presenter. Comedienne. 

I'm many things. But the the most prominent thing? A bloody big tit.

I've been writing since 2008, starting as anonymously penning girlwiththemask and graduating to hogging the limelight and declaring that my high self-esteem is your problem on my Very Own Website. I even put up my picture and used my real name. I know- I'm just wild. Next I'll be driving without a seatbelt and wearing red and pink AT THE SAME TIME.

I'm currently learning how to write, and do it all- scriptwriting, screenplay writing, feature writing, fiction writing. I try to be funny, and not just funny-looking. I'm sorry, that's as good as the puns get. Right now I'm working on a collection of essays tentatively titled, My Heart Beats Only For You (And a Dozen Other People), a sort of sex-memoir about all the boys I have failed at. It's actually turning into more of a collection of essays about EVERYTHING I have failed at, to be honest. That's what happens when you are a tit. That and stand-up comedy.

You might be interested to know that I edited a book, and publish my own 'zine. I work as a copy editor for the promotional brochures of the Art, Design and Technology department at the University of Derby and as New and Politics Editor for the uni mag Dusted. Sometimes I have articles in magazines and on websites published too, but that hasn't happened in a while. Maybe I'll add it to my 'To Do' list, right behind Russell Crowe and speaking to my bank manager about that overdraft.

I'm also a performer. I spent four months in Detroit last year (oh, hi Eminem!) performing in the cast of Antigone on a tour of local high schools, trying to be down with the kids. I've run writing and performance workshops with young adults in both the U.K. and America, and pass my summers working to teach English as a Foreign Language to children in Italy. Playing teacher is the biggest acting gig I've had.

I like good manners, French wine, dancing like nobody is watching and well dressed women. I dislike early mornings, rude people and Weetabix. If I met me I'd probably think I was rude, overconfident and self-indulgent, but don't let that put you off. I can tell a good joke and sink a tequila shot with the best of 'em. I believe in being brave and taking risks. Nothing can substitute experience. I don't talk about things, I do 'em. I blame my tattoo- it is designed to remind me to say yes to life. That often gets me into trouble, and into bed with strangers, but then I write about it. 

And that brings me full circle to the aforementioned tit-like behaviour. I am Laura Jane Williams- and my high self-esteem really is your problem.

Blog

Dad

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Dad

Pub. Pint. Perfect.

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11th Sep

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Life From Scratch

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Life From Scratch

“Laura! Where are you?”
“Just on my way to Mum and Dad’s from the airport. Landed ten minutes ago. What’s new with you?”
“Not much. Just packing for my holiday. We go to Portugal on Monday.”
“Do you need a house-sitter?”
“Why, do you want to come and stay?”
“Thanks for asking. Yes.”

So basically, in less than the time it takes me to shower (an every other day shower, obviously. The one with the hair washing and armpit shaving. Not the body-rins..

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10th Sep

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Darby and Joan: September 2012

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Darby and Joan: September 2012

Darby & Joan are the quintessential middle-aged British couple, characterised by knitwear, hours of scrabble, and a penchant for staying in on Saturday nights. Darby and Joan are, in fact, @calummcswiggan and me. 

Dear Darby,

I knew you’d got the travel bug this summer. But when you messaged me last night with Can’t talk. Will email later. Right now I’m writing from Nebraska dinner table, I freaked the Lady Diana OUT.

I started Googling maps of America, m..

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3rd Sep

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My New Favourite Game

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My New Favourite Game

I call it "How much authentic Italian food can I fit into my stomach before I leave tomorrow?"

The salty tears of sadness and nostalgia that I let slide down my face as I chew only serve to add to the flavours.

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30th Aug

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Exit Stage Left

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Exit Stage Left

I didn’t know I needed to read this until I had already accidentally stumbled across it. It caught at my breath and chased the rhythm of my chest. Since I got back from Switzerland, decisions made, I’ve been happy and then sad and then excited and then scared and then indifferent and then and then and then and then and then.

And then it made sense.

I thought I was doing All The Emotions because of what I am about to do next. But that’s not it. I’m emotional because of what I’ve do..

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29th Aug

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Alma Carver.

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Alma Carver.

I just bought a train ticket to Milan for Thursday night, so that Friday afternoon I can catch a flight to England. BUT. Instead of being all uber-sad and melancholy and doing reflective staring into the distance (OKAY FINE. I'VE BEEN DOING THOSE THINGS TOO) I'm kinda psyched about it. Why? Because a divine twist of friendship fates means that ALMA CARVER WILL BE IN MILAN THAT NIGHT TOO.

She's coming from Geneva. I'm passing through. And it's happening at the exact same time.

Sod the bike r..

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28th Aug

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Life Wanted.

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Life Wanted.

“Laura, You just focus on moving to London. None of this romance malarkey. The man who you are supposed to end up with is still married to his first wife.”
- My mum.

On Saturday night mounting pressure caused not only my mother to Skype-console me over the day’s events, but also for the Italian skies to open over Liguria and spit tears of frustration out over the hot tarmac and scorching sands- finally putting an end to the heat wave the media here have called Lucifer.

It really ..

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27th Aug

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Excerpts from a Graceful Expulsion

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Excerpts from a Graceful Expulsion

So there I was, in my makeshift office at DREAMERSchool. Again.

It’s the same place I sit every afternoon, from right after lunch finishes through until dinner at 8 p.m. The place where I religiously put my notebook to my right and my water bottle to my left; where the chair has to be backed up to the wall behind me so that I can sit up straight and see into the courtyard. The place where I am so often to be found that my Italian colleagues tease me, every day, without fail. Enough, Laura! they..

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24th Aug

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The Color Creed

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The Color Creed

This week at DREAMERSchool we have colors who make up a group older than any we've had before. As soon as they arrived, the energy they brought with them was tangible. It was focussed. Serious. Ready.

We decided to really push them emotionally- get them to open up so that we could have an interesting, exploratory, final session before camp ends for the summer.

I shared with them my personal manifesto, and they were invited to scribe their own; to write what they care about, what they w..

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23rd Aug

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Giulio

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Giulio

There have been several prominent themes to this blog over the past few months, and I’m no idiot; I can see how they all link together. I mean, there’s no such thing as coincidence, after all, and if everything is related and nothing is chance, I’d be pretty dumb not to recognise that BLATANTLY fulfilling my potential feeds into DREAMERSchool which feeds into paving a path for my own dreams which feeds into moving to London aka the place where I can sell a book, which of course feeds into fulfill..

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22nd Aug

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The Friendship Test

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The Friendship Test

If I had to estimate how many new people I’ve met since leaving Rome and undertaking a summer as an Italian nomad, I’d cap it off at about 1,000.

Being essentially homeless (the colors ask me, where do you live? And I tell them well; right now I live here, in this convent. They laugh, and say, no, where is home, and then it’s my turn to laugh and reiterate, everything I own in the world is in a twin room upstairs. Literally, home is here) means meeting different folks on the daily. Some of ..

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21st Aug

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Balls to the Motherf***ing Wall

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Balls to the Motherf***ing Wall

I know I am prone to dramatic hyperbole, but INTERNET. I just had the most restorative, thought-provoking, action-encouraging all round blindingly good holiday probably ever in the world.

Thursday night I watched the final show that the graduating colors had put together for their parents, laid out all my best clothes, and books for learning, and self-development notes, and just as I was about to go and wash my hair so that I could braid it and it’d be curly for the morning (and so my vacation ..

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20th Aug

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The one where I could've been paid for sex

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The one where I could've been paid for sex

To end a week of "hey! I'm on holiday! Read something from the archives please!" have a story from January 2011 about a man who wanted to pay me to have sex with him. Mother is so proud.

I've been a right proper pissy cow lately. No, Internet, you don't have to be nice to be about it- I know I have. But do you know what I think it was? TOO MUCH FREE TIME ON MY HANDS. There is, after all, only so many times a girl can wank herself off to pass the afternoon.

So when Calum called and said..

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17th Aug

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The one where my parents piss me off

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The one where my parents piss me off

I'm on a beach and not blogging this week- I've gone in search of the next stories. As way of retrospective, then, have a post about my parents from January 2009- back when this blog was mere months old. I miss these ageing plonkers. 

It is written, I believe, in the set laws of the universe that whenever one makes an executive decision to leave the washing up and have a bit of a lie in before doing the ironing in one's knickers, that one's parents will inevitably stop by for a once-in-a-neo..

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16th Aug

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The one where I was totally racist against Chinese people

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The one where I was totally racist against Chinese people

Right now I'm up a mountain doing extreme self-reflection, meditation, and eating pasta. Whilst I'm away, have a post from the past. It's from February 2011, when I lived in a baby pink coloured house with 5 other girls. THAT'S A LOT OF OESTROGEN.

It started a few days after I moved into the House of Pastelle.

There was rice on the floor. Like, everywhere. And no matter how many times I shrugged my shoulders, smiled inwardly and chuckled-off the irritation I HAD JUST MOVED IN TO THE MO..

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15th Aug

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The one where I broke a toilet

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The one where I broke a toilet

I'm on holiday, so I've picked out some of my favourite posts from years gone by, for your reading pleasure. This one is from June 2010 and one of my earliest experiences of Italy. It's also about my poo. So basically, my two favourite things. 

I’m not sure what all this Italian food has done to my system but MY GOD I’ve been making a lot of deposits to the bank of poop this past three weeks. Like, three a day. It’s the only bank where I’m in the black.

And I don’t actually e..

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14th Aug

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The one where I burned my vagina

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The one where I burned my vagina

This week I'm on vacation, so I've delved into my archives to relive some of my favourite memories. I picked this post from April 2009 (2009!) because it's followed me everywhere- I wrote it as a heartbroken new singleton, published it in the university magazine and got nominated for an award with it, and, of course, it has made it into my manuscript. HOW COULD IT NOT.

Being a female of the species is pretty hard going stuff.

The trials and tribulations are oft documented in friendly media ..

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13th Aug

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Then, Now, Later

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Then, Now, Later

And the truth is
You gotta have the balls to change

- Vinnie Jones

Because I am a mental, I happen to believe that the universe is designed in such a way that parts of my life plan have already been written.

I believe that it’s my job- in this version of my life (because, of course, we have probably have seven, as per the String Theory of Physics)- to figure out how to get where my ultimate purpose already lies. My ultimate purpose was written long ago, and now requires that I ..

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10th Aug

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Oh look! Another *artistic* shot! She thinks she is so fan..

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Oh look! Another *artistic* shot! She thinks she is so fancy!

This is the roof of the church in the main piazza of Loano, and the building I sit opposite every morning to take my breakfast. Normally I read (last week it was The Picture of Dorian Grey: a book apparently useful only as a series of sentences designed to be Facebook status updates. Discuss.) but sometimes I just sit.

Just sit and look.

Except, turns out I don't actually do much seeing because I've been here for over six weeks- nearly fifty breakfasts- and it wasn't until I saw t..

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9th Aug

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I want to do this for you. Really.

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I want to do this for you. Really.

(This photo has no relevance, except that maybe I will say something similar to you if you catch me on a good day.)

I want to write you a letter.

The idea came to me in class, right after we’d done a group activity where we were to write to our future selves.

“Here are your envelopes!” I’d shrilled across the convent’s classroom, handing them out one-by-one. “Put in your letter and address it to yourself. And don’t forget, English is fun!”

I say that to them a lo..

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8th Aug

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Opening Doors

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Opening Doors

Lately, I've found myself taking photographs of a lot of doors. I don't know why. Well- actually, I have a theory, but it's kind of wanky and has to do with being a bit unsure about what exactly my life might look like come next month because all I have is a one-way ticket to England, a bit of hope, and many a prayer.

FREAKING OUT? ME? NOOOOOO! NOT AT ALL! I'M FINE.

I think the door obsession might indicate a subconscious decision- one I am yet to really acknowledge to myself- to open the ..

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7th Aug

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She's a naughty girl with a bad habit.

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She's a naughty girl with a bad habit.

Cigarettes. Addictive little fuckers, aren’t they? Except, up until, oh, I don’t know, THIS BLOG POST, I was always adamant that I wasn’t addicted to smoking. Oh no, me? I can stop any time I want! I smoke because I ENJOY it! I WANT to smoke! I’m not controlled by my habit, NO WAY. I do it CONSCIOUSLY! WILLINGLY! I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT!

I used to say the same thing about casual sex, and it was only when I gave that up that I realised how detrimental it had been to my well being- harml..

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6th Aug

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I feel like coffee.

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I feel like coffee.

My friend Ivana spent twenty minutes this morning trying to explain to me the definition of voglia di caffè. As I supped espresso in the midday sun, new Italian shoes in hand and the promise of sushi for lunch, I idly wondered what it meant when I saw it written on my cup.

By the time I finally understood how to use the bloody phrase, I had to declare voglia di caffè AGAIN because damn. Sometimes the most simple things cause the biggest confusions.

And therein lies my observatio..

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3rd Aug

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Darby and Joan: August 2012

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Darby and Joan: August 2012

Darby & Joan are the quintessential middle-aged British couple, characterised by knitwear, hours of scrabble, and a penchant for staying in on Saturday nights. Darby and Joan are, in fact, @calummcswiggan and me.

Dear Darby,

They say the thing about love (like there's only the one thing with that motherfucker of a slippery eel) (God I love that over time we’ve become as cynical as each other) (this blog just started and already I’m doing tangents, aren’t I?) (oh, fu..

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2nd Aug

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My New Friend.

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My New Friend.

This is my new friend, gifted to me by way of a Kinder Surprise by a colleague. We christened him in a non-religious ceremony as Forzuto. I like to keep him with me when I work because the Italian for 'Smurf' is 'Puffo.' My little Puffo. 

I feel like that is how I will address my future gay son.

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26th Jul

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Colour Blocking.

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Colour Blocking.

Sanremo is known as la Cittá dei Fiori- The City of Flowers. The company HQ is there, and so nomadic friends who hop from Italian town to Italian town teaching- just like me- inevitably end up drifting through. This means at least once a week I veritably launch myself onto the coastal-routed train to head the hour north so that I can get read to and drink too much spritz.

I met said friends for lunch last week, and on my way to the restaurant was struck by the colours in the city. I g..

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25th Jul

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It's time to stop being Butt-Fucked.

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It's time to stop being Butt-Fucked.

One of the hardest things for me to do is recognise my own worth.

Even in some of the most meaningful and lengthy relationships I have, I find it difficult to say you aren’t treating me how I deserve to be treated.

Intrinsically, this is laced with I demand that you give me more than you are. But, in my imagination, saying I SHOULD BE GETTING MORE translates to, you think you’re so. Fucking. Awesome. Don’t you? Who the hell are you, anyway?

I don’t want to have a conversation ..

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24th Jul

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This might be about an out-of-body experience. I'm not sure.

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This might be about an out-of-body experience. I'm not sure.

The thing about working at a school for Dreamers is that by proxy, you have to deal with your own ideals.

It’s really hard not to be reflective and pensive and a little bit self-involved when you spend all day fielding questions about your personal life, and philosophy, and exact working history. This job means that right now I spend a lot of time thinking about what precisely my own ambitions are, because, quite frankly, I have very little choice.

Also, have we met? OVER-THINK is my midd..

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23rd Jul

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Dropping love bombs like it's my job. Oh. Wait. IT IS.

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Dropping love bombs like it's my job. Oh. Wait. IT IS.

I've always enjoyed a student protest or two, but when we were told we'd have to clear our 'protest' topic with The Big Boss before we took to the streets of Loano here at DREAMERSchool, we pretty much knew that anything interesting would get veto-ed. It's not good PR to have a project sponsored by the inventor of Kinder Surprise demonstrate against big businesses at the front door now, is it?

(Sidenote: if big business pays for projects like this, though, what's to protest?)

BUT. Hold on, ..

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20th Jul

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Gastronomical.

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Gastronomical.

I'm obsessed with taking photographs of the blackboard menus the trattorias and osteria display on the walls and roads around Loano.

It doesn't take Dumbledore to figure out that with six short weeks left on terra Italiana I'm starting to panic about a life without ready access to expert pizza with buffalo mozzarella. Or granita. Or melanzana parmigiana. Or gnocchi al gorgonzola. Or, or, or... oh hell. Should I just stay for the food?

Don't answer that.

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19th Jul

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On being disappointed.

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On being disappointed.

 So, I got some news.

I can’t label it bad news, because even though it went in the AWWWW, FUCK! box when it immediately happened, I’ve since had an existential epiphany. This epiphany is in regards to the nature of my very being, and my purpose on this planet, as well as what colour I’d like my hair to be next and exactly how many sachets of mayonnaise I need to ask for with my pizza. So. You know. It’s kind of okay.

I didn’t get something that I really, really wanted. A job..

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18th Jul

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Secret Love

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Secret Love

At DREAMERSchool last week we introduced a game called Secret Love.

Everyone was assigned another person to whom they must deliver love notes, gifts, and appreciative gestures- all in the name of spreading a little kindness. The rules specified that it must remain a secret, and it wasn't for a romantic sort of love- just a way to learn how to make new friends feel good. We did it for the bonding.

Internet. IT WAS THE MOST MAGICAL GAME OF MY LIFE.

At first our high-schoolers were all,..

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17th Jul

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Beach House. A.K.A. Nutella gelato for the ears.

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Beach House. A.K.A. Nutella gelato for the ears.

Traditionally, I have really rubbish taste in music.

I'm not gonna lie. My idea of good tunes are anything that mention getting more ass than a toilet seat. Or a big tattooed black man demeaning hoes and talking about blows. Pretty much, if I would rip off your balls and shove 'em in your eye sockets if you said that shit to me in real life, I probably want you to put it in a song so that I can dance to it.

Paradox, yes. Reasonable enough when on a night out, or a run up in the hi..

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16th Jul

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What I Talk About When I Talk About Running.

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What I Talk About When I Talk About Running.

I sat on the beach and looked around surreptitiously from under my twenty Euro shades. It was truly a phenomenon. Not one person here has my body type, I thought to myself.

I squinted, twisting my body to look at the twentysomethings rolling their cigarettes beside me; the mother playing with her toddler down by the waves; the group of students behind me.

Every woman’s legs go straight up-and-down, with no bulging at the tops of the thighs, I thought.

All of them have necks like swa..

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13th Jul

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Blank.

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Blank.

The morning after I hit the pay now button on the website for a one-way ticket back to England, I saw this when I was out walking.

It was the morning after a night of aggressively cathartic rain, and the skies cleared into a brilliance that meant I had to squint to look at the sky. I smiled at the red, white, and green playing with the wind, and I thought to myself, yup. That's what Italy was for me, too. A blank canvas that I played on, where the world was mine.

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12th Jul

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I guess my parents can still surprise me. Which is surpris..

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I guess my parents can still surprise me. Which is surprising.

Right now I’m in some kind of world-travel twilight zone.

I’m from a family of travellers. My nanna made the local paper when she backpacked Asia in her 70’s. Yes, that clipping is still in a frame on her wall. My aunt and uncle disappear to the Indian sub-continent every winter for four or five months. Yes, it is hard not to resent them when they are tan in January. Mama Janie’s parents were expats on a Spanish island, my brother spends summers co-coordinating projects in Africa or explo..

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11th Jul

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My Mirrored Self.

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My Mirrored Self.

Last month I was leaving a teaching workshop I had just run when I felt something tickle my leg. I walked a couple of steps thinking to myself now gee whizz, something isn't right here, but I was trying really hard to be first in line at lunch because, well, PRIORITIES, and so I ignored my intuition.

OH YE BE NOT SO STUPID.

I hadn't screwed the cap to my water bottle on properly, and my bag had pooled a nice stash of aqua frizzante at the bottom of its well-made lining. At the bottom of tha..

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10th Jul

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Darby and Joan: July 2012

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Darby and Joan: July 2012

Darby & Joan are the quintessential middle-aged British couple, characterised by knitwear, hours of scrabble, and a penchant for staying in on Saturday nights. Darby and Joan are, in fact, @calummcswiggan and me. See what we look like when we finally do go out? TERRIBLE. 

Darby.

I’ve gone a bit mental again.

Four days ago you emailed me to say SWITZERLAND CALLED AND WANT ME TO WORK FOR THEM! to which I replied WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY? And you were all WELL D�..

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9th Jul

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